That's when you get the motivation to keep going.
I had begun to wonder whether I should continue to write on here. I've been doing all kinds of work, processing my situation, coping, learning, and just putting one foot in front of the other, but never really knowing if I had anything more to say. You see, I feel like I may be learning so much, so quickly, that I am having trouble assimilating it.
In fact, I met with my therapist today, and my head was just swimming. It just seems like there is always something going on in my head that I'm processing, and I'm reading all these books, attending sessions, trying different therapies, that it's all up in there, but the end product isn't clear yet. What HAVE I learned? What could I share? At the end of our session today, I asked: "Is this normal? Am I being over dramatic about it all? Why do I feel so isolated?" And here's what she explained to me:
1. It's normal. (Aren't all therapists supposed to tell you that?) My situation is pretty unique, yes it's been going on for a year now (yesterday was the anniversary) and people don't understand it. But most of all - they probably don't know what the right thing to say is. And I understand that...I really do. I don't place blame on anyone for not knowing what to say. How could they? In fact, this whole situation has given me many gifts, one of which is that I now really understand how people can be walking around with some really big struggles, but functioning normally and even seeming happy.
2. I'm a processor. (Not the computer kind). Some people go through traumatic events and just keep on going, without dealing with the trauma. It seemingly is not affecting them - until it does. These people delay processing their "stuff". I don't. I want to deal with it all right away, while I am going through it, and when it's all over (for me, there will be a natural end to the big stuff, God willing), I will likely be done processing it.
Whether you are someone who processes right away or sometime later is not something you can choose or change about yourself. It's as hard-wired into you as your eye colour. I'm just dealing with this all at once. And hopefully, that's the easier way.
3. I am in the middle....the "waiting place"....the most awful place (if you've read Oh! The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss, you know what I mean). It feels like not much is happening and I don't have much control of everything. I'm tired of it, and I don't really want to deal with it anymore.
