Life with Braces..and an upcoming procedure

Hi friends! I'm back!  Sorry it's been a while, I got caught up in the holidays! It was a good Christmas season, but a little exhausting. It's crazy how it all goes by so quickly every year.

A lot has happened since I wrote last, including getting my top braces on....twice!  Dec 20 I went and had the top ones put on, only to have 8 of them fall off within 2 days!! I had 6 clear brackets put on the front teeth, and metal ones put on the rest, and since quite a few (8) of my top teeth are crowns or caps, the orthodontist didn't use the right bonding material, so they didn't stay. Of course, it was a Friday and although I phoned the office and left several messages about the braces falling off, I didn't hear back from them until mid-day Saturday.  We had plans to go out that Saturday night, so you can imagine how pleased I was to have all the brackets hanging off the wire, just floating around in front of my teeth. I may have had a minor meltdown. I mean, come on!! How much can go wrong inside my mouth this year!?

Anyways, I managed to pull out the wire from my mouth (with the help of my dentist, Dr T) in time for Saturday night's plans, so I didn't feel like a complete freak....and as a bonus, I didn't have any brackets on my front teeth for the wknd.  On the bad side, having just brackets with no wire is PAINFUL!!! The wire holds a lot of the bracket off of your cheek, or at least provides a sliding surface for it, but with no wire, the insides of my cheeks were ripped to shreds by Monday morning. Thankfully Dr. O got me in first thing Monday morning to get them all bonded back on, and they're all still in there 7 days later.

Having braces isn't as bad for me as I heard....after getting them put on properly. They're certainly more comfortable than having arch bars and wires on, but still no picnic.  When talking a lot (like at Christmas) they really chafe the insides of my top lip, and food gets stuck in them like crazy!! I've never brushed my teeth (and flossed, and rinsed) so many times in one day in my life!  The worst part about them is just being self-conscious.  I told my husband that I feel like a dog wearing one of those cones around their neck. I know it's not so obvious as that, but regardless. I feel pretty embarrassed by them.  The front ones are clear, but they still stick out quite a bit, and clear does not equal invisible.  I am told I'll get used to them and eventually forget that they are there. I hope that's true, because right now they take a lot of energy to worry and think about.

I also got what's called a "bite plate" from my orthodontist, which is essentially a clear retainer (think Invisalign) but with the tooth surfaces built up quite high.  This makes several of my teeth touch, rather than just the 2 molars on the left side, which was getting quite painful. It's been great to wear, I'm actually surprised how much I like wearing it. But, I won't be wearing it for long..........

Tomorrow is another surgery for me, the one I mentioned previously where my lower left canine tooth will be removed (#33) and underneath a bone graft will be done. This is the site of a fracture, and there's quite a bit of bone loss underneath. In fact, even though the canine tooth is attached, it's not anchored in any bone so it moves around quite a bit in there. Although I'll be further embarrassed by having a missing tooth, it will feel good to be rid of it at this point.

Unfortunately the surgery isn't until 2pm tomorrow, and I can't eat for 8 hours before hand! I'll be waking up early to eat and have my coffee, that's for sure! And then hopefully sleeping again to avoid those long, hungry and thirsty hours. Word to the wise: schedule as many surgeries first thing in the morning!!!

Ramblings

Hi Friends, I'm sitting down to write a post, and I feel like I've got so much to say but no idea what that is. So I guess you're just going to have to go on this journey with me.

I'm feeling pretty anxious this week, and maybe it's because we're 1 week out from Christmas, and who doesn't feel anxious when it's that close?? I suppose it probably also has to do with the fact that I'm getting the first half of my braces on in 2 days and I'm starting to freak out. 

I've been starting to feel pretty overwhelmed by what's going on, and maybe a bit less resilient than I have been up until now. I think that's evident from my previous posts, but maybe not. Maybe because it's so pervasive in my life.  I mean, I only think about it when I speak, eat or move my mouth, so it's pretty much all the time. 

And while I thought that I'd be fine getting braces, I was even excited to be perfecting the alignment of my teeth before finishing all the dental work, I am not looking forward to them as much as I once was. I can see why it might seem like braces are no big deal, but it's not like I'm starting from nothing with these things. And it's also not like when they're off it will be fine either - I will have to get my teeth re-capped, or crowned, or what have you. Not to mention a pretty big jaw surgery in the middle of having them too. I have been watching vlogs online of people getting their braces, and I can see how tired of them they become, what a bummer they can be and then they get them off and have perfectly straight teeth, done deal. It won't be like that for me. And I'm wallowing in it. 

Another thing that happened this week is that I got a call from the nurse at work to discuss my short term disability leave. I'm still on leave, and this is because I'm still going through a lot of procedures. It seems that my work doesn't want me to return until I'm feeling well enough, but I'm starting to get a bit down about being away from regular life for so long. I explained that I'd be having the surgery to remove my 33 tooth and do a bone graft on December 30, and she didn't even want to talk about my returning to work (even modified duties) until after that was over.  I was hoping that we'd be talking about a target date by now, but I guess not. I didn't push it because I really don't know what I'm going to feel like after that, but I'm hoping that shortly after I'll be able to reach out and set a date to go back part time. I feel like at this point I need some things to look forward to, and it seems strange to look forward to going back to work, but I think I am. Being home alone, especially in the winter, isn't awesome after 4 months of it. 

Long week

It's the end of a long week around here...I will try to summarize the best I can.

So I made it to my counselling session.  In truth, it was my second counselling session but it's a bit complicated to explain.  I want to be honest about my experience because I feel that it's important to share that we all need help sometimes and we are doing ourselves a favour by seeking it. I do not feel weak for reaching out. So I'll say that it felt great to talk about what's been going on, where my head's at, and get some unbiased input on the whole thing.  I don't want to share what we talked about, since that's personal....but it was certainly helpful.  I'd encourage anyone who is thinking about it to go for it - it can only help you out, and if you're not doing it for yourself, then do it for your family.  Only you are responsible for the person you bring home to your family, and you should do whatever it takes to be the best version of yourself that you can be for them.

Having said that, I can't say that this week was the best one for me. Tuesday I drove down to Sarnia and had 3 root canals done.  I also had some X-rays taken and found out that I will hopefully be able to keep my 2 top front teeth - so far, they look healthy. So happy about that!  I've mentioned previously that I'm usually pretty game for dental work, but these root canals have taken more out of me each time than I anticipated. I was so nervous about the pain, since last time I couldn't be frozen properly, but I needn't have worried. The freezing worked this time. I just couldn't help being tense from head to toe, and so after the day was done, so was I.

We managed to get an impression done without pulling out my super-loose #33, so I'll be getting a flipper (or dentures...which one sounds less awful??) for when it gets pulled Dec 30. That's right...it's coming out, finally. I've booked the surgery with Dr. P, and he'll do a bone graft at the same time. I'm not looking forward to this. This tooth is right over top of one of the major fracture sites, so if the bone graft doesn't take well enough, implantation may not be an option. To explain why that is a big deal is tedious and boring....so let's just say that I hope to God this works. I'm actually kind of looking forward to getting this thing out. It's moving more, hurting and just generally driving me crazy!! Although I hear the fake teeth are just as bad :(

So Thursday I went back to the scene of the accident....the gym. The gym owner is the one who was training me (in a group class) when it happened, and he has me signed up for personal training with one of his employees. I'm a bit bothered by that..like why doesn't he want to see and help me? On the other hand, it could be good for me to work with someone that I don't feel like I need to prove anything to. Anyways, I like the trainer he has me with, he seems understanding that I'm not interested in pushing my limits (for once in my life) and just want to be healthy.

It was nice to get back to it, but I have to admit that it's worn me out. I don't know if it was 100% worth it, but in therapy I was told that since I've always been an active person, I should get back to some kind of activity. So I'll pursue it as much as I can. I figure it will give me a reason to get out, feel good about myself physically and build up my endurance for regular life again.

So after all that activity this week (not to mention the lingering sinus infection) I'm not feeling quite like I'm prepared to tackle life at the moment. But I'm taking this Friday night to just relax with myself (the hubs is out) and chill. I'm psyching myself up for what's coming next week......braces!!

Isn't that just life for you..

I'm finally rounding the corner on the worst sinus cold of my life! This thing has taken a beating on me and turned into a sinus infection. So much that my hubs had to cancel a trip to NYC with his friends to stay home and (once again) take care of me.  As if I needed one more assault on my face this year. It felt like my head was going to explode, and my sinuses were so packed I had a toothache in every tooth on the top, and couldn't even get my Neti-pot to work! It would NOT flow! Ugh. 

I made the hubs go out and buy the "softest Kleenex that money can buy" (his words) and my nose barely survived. But of course, the worst part of it all is that I've passed it on to my son. He told me the other day that his "two holes weren't working" (his nose holes, lol) and then last night he sniffed and told me his cheeks hurt. I said "I know honey, your sinuses hurt", to which he replied "Yeah....my Simon Says hurts..." Sad face. :( 

BUT in true kid fashion, we had a little neighbourly gathering at our house yesterday and he showed no signs of illness at all...running around, playing, misbehaving (sigh), so this morning I kept him home later and took him to daycare at around 9:30 to give him a little extra rest. Well, on the way there he started telling me he wanted to go rest at home. Ah! My heart brakes! 

See...I would have turned around and just taken him straight back home, but I have an appointment with our work counsellor at 1pm today. It's taken me so long to get around to doing this, and she travels from far away to meet people at our local office, so I am very hesitant to cancel and bring him back home. 

I think this is one of those moments as a parent where you're struggling to help yourself first, so that you can be better for your kids.  To put on your oxygen mask before helping others, if you will.  Is he going to be ok at daycare for a few hours? Yes. Is it important for me to keep this appointment and take care of myself? I'm pretty sure it is. But why do they have to conflict like this? Sigh. I'm doing a lot of sighing this morning. 

See, it might have been the sinus infection...those things will knock you on your ass by themselves...but last week I'd started to feel very depressed about my whole situation.  I'm tired. Tired of the grind of worrying about what teeth I'm going to keep, how much pain are these next root canals going to be, how are the braces going to look/feel/affect my smile, how is it going to be when I go back to work, will people understand me with this lisp that I already have, and then add the braces...it just goes on and on.  Plus, after I'd eat dinner, the pain in my teeth and jaw would flare up and I'd just barely make it to the couch and do everything I could not to pass out. 

It started to feel like I just couldn't find the same happiness that I could in most things. I went to my work Christmas party (in the middle of the sinus infection...not my best moment) and tried to keep my chin up. It was so nice to see everyone, and a lot of people told me how I didn't look any different (just skinny..well, it hurts to eat, what can I do?) and that it was so nice that I had a sense of humour about it all.  And I'd say I haven't lost my sense of humour....I'll never lose that....but it just hasn't been as funny to me as maybe it could be.  Laughter is the best medicine, and humility has always been my favourite virtue, although I don't always have as much of it as I would like. 

So I think it's important that I keep this appointment. Important to me and my health, but also important to my family.  My mood, attitude and how I interact with them has an important bearing on all of our well-beings, so I am going to just hope and pray that the wee man makes it through until 3pm today when I can pick him back up again. And maybe he can stay home to rest all day tomorrow...

How am I doing?

I asked my hubby if he had read my blog so far, and thankfully he has had the time. He had some feedback for me, which is that I'm doing a pretty solid job of summarizing my learning and the scientific stuff to back it up, but I might be missing another component, which is how am I handling all this? How do I feel about what's happening to me? Fair point.  And the psychological aspect of this huge. 

So how AM I doing??? Good question, friends. Aside from having a baby, this is by far the hardest, most painful and life altering thing that has happened to me. Which perhaps is something to be grateful for. 

I guess I haven't written a whole lot about my state of mind because I'm really not sure about it. I'm definitely different now. It's all I talk about (mostly, though I try not to drone on...) and it's definitely all I think about. When I start to feel bad for myself I tend to wallow in it and then tell myself that it's not so bad and get upset with myself for feeling so much self-pity. Shame spiral! 

Do I feel like this is all super unfair? Yes. Do I feel like people understand what I'm going through? Not completely, but I don't believe you necessarily have to go through some things in life to have true, heartfelt empathy for those who are experiencing it. I feel that by far most of the people in my life get how hard this must be for me and they are trying their best to be there for me. I am so grateful. The people in my life are truly blessings. 

Do I have massive feelings of guilt for putting my husband, mom, family through this? Yes. I also feel terrible that I'm not the mother I want to be for my 3 year old boy. I don't have the energy I did, and I don't have the patience. I hope that this is just a side effect of the pain and that it will pass once the dental work is done and the braces are on and everything has settled in my mouth. It takes about a week for my mouth to recover from the root canals and crowns and I'm not in aching pain constantly. So hopefully this is a temporary thing. 

I guess you could say that my feelings are conflicting and I'm still working through them. I did mention that I'd be reaching out for counselling and I'm happy to say that I've done so. I'll be meeting with a counsellor on Monday for a lengthy assessment and I look forward to accepting whatever help is deemed necessary. I have no issues admitting that I need help to cope with this, and I look forward to updating you all with how it helps me. 

Working on my honorary doctorate...

It's wonderful having an engineer for a husband. No, really. My life is spreadsheetized and documented and let me tell you how much insurance we have! His need for knowledge and data is unwavering...and it's pushing me to really get to understand each recommendation and step from the doctors. 

I have been reading study after study on the treatment of bilateral condylar fractures, and let me tell you that I'm actually enjoying the learning. It's been a while since I've a. Read a scientific paper or study and b. Done anything biology related. It's just too bad about the circumstances. 

I am also thankful I have a degree in biology! I'd say half of the medical terms I can understand by past knowledge and the other half I have a good understanding of after looking up what they mean. Same with the anatomy.  It doesn't mean that I always understand what a procedure entails, and I definitely don't know how it relates to other structures, side effects and all that. But at least I am comfortable with it all. 

My research has interestingly backed up both of my oral surgeons claims (gee, surprise surprise, they know what they're talking about) despite the fact that it seems my care to this point has produced this undesired result. 

I'm pretty sure that I mentioned already that there really isn't a sure fire way to treat my injury. 

An interesting study I read last night backed that up to a T.  It seems that if you're going to operate on a bilateral condylar fracture to pin them together, you have to do it within the first 2-3 weeks.  After that, your jaw joints start to heal and compensate for the injury, and they won't stop until around 9 months later. That means to get a stable result after surgery, you have to either beat your body's repair mechanisms or wait until they're pretty much done, or at least stable. 

And when you do operate, they've found that it's pretty fruitless to try and get your jaw back into the sockets. The main goal at that point is to get your teeth to meet in a functional and therefore attractive way.  If that has to be done by shaving down some other, non-related part of your jaw, then so be it. 

In rare cases (ooh, I'm special) a TMJ replacement is required. Only when what they call ankylosis is happening, or fusing of your jaw joint that will eventually render it useless. Or if your bone is degenerating, although I suspect that these two are one and the same. 

So what I'm trying to do is figure out how they know that's really happening. I am still going for an MRI and more CT scans, so I am hoping, wishing and praying that these definitely confirm whether or not this is happening.  That, or I'm blissfully in denial that Dr P is sure of that already and I just need to hear one (or a few) more times. 

B-17 Days

It seems that I missed having wires and hardware in my mouth so much, I'm heading in to get some more!

I visited Dr. O. today, my lovely orthodondist. This visit started the real process of getting braces, and I am happy to be moving into a positive direction.  After I had the photos, impressions and diagnostic stuff done, Dr. O. sat me down to chat about what he was going to do and answer my questions. It was so nice of him to take the time to chat. His treatment coordinator said that he loves to teach and is always happy to make time before and after appointments to talk to his patients if they so desire. How nice that he is so accessible.

He explained to me that I would be getting braces on the top first, and that it wasn't likely to hurt my sensitive teeth. Even if I'm going to lose teeth eventually, he says I can keep them in for now. With the type of braces that I will be getting, Damon braces, they don't pull any teeth due to crowding like they used to, and it seems that palate expanders and things like that aren't required anymore either. I am pretty thankful for this. I can appreciate how painful those things must be, and after all the pain I've had and am still having with my mouth, teeth and head, I don't know that I'm up for much more torture. I'm sure having the braces on and the movement of my teeth will be enough to add on to what's already going on.

Dr O also agreed to put ceramic brackets on my front "smile" teeth to keep the brace-face metal-mouth look to a minimum.  I think you'll agree that the look is a bit more flattering!!

We also had a little discussion around what has happened to me, and Dr P's recommendation that I have a double jaw replacement. Dr O reassured me that he didn't think it had much to do with my bone density, which was a thought by my medical doctor. Since my scan came back normal, it's not that.  Dr O thinks it's just a freak accident, the angle that I hit and the force that I hit with caused this pretty rare injury. It's compounded by the healing that was left for too long in the wrong positions and now here I am. 

He mentioned one silver lining! In his words "at least you're going to have a phenomenal smile after this!"  I agree, it is definitely a benefit but I'll call it a success when I have new jaws and can close my eyes and feel my face and am not paralyzed anywhere! 

So he said that he was ready to put my top braces on, and I said ok..let's get moving! I think his treatment coordinator was surprised that I didn't want to wait until after the holidays to get the braces on, but I really want to see some progress happening. I'm definitely getting out of pain with the dental work, and that's great.  Onward and upward!!!! So now I get braces on the morning of December 19, and I my new theme song will be Teenage Dreams. Now I just need some skintight jeans.....

Worn down

On my continued journey to dental health, I went back to Dr. T's office Friday morning.  As we drove down early in the morning (it's about 2.5 hrs to get there) I realized that I wasn't quite feeling as jazzed about getting poked and prodded in my mouth as I usually am. Ok...maybe that's an exaggeration, I'm never particularly jazzed about dental work, but I have dreamed about a career in hygiene or assisting and I really don't mind the dental work too much. The freezing is the worst part, and as bad as it is, it's over in 10 seconds. In my mind, that's not really worth getting worked up about.

Then there's the over-riding fact that I get to see such a wonderfully close friend, who I miss dearly since we've moved. It's hard not to feel like a VIP when she is always so caring while I'm there (and also when I'm not!) I often think about how much energy she must expend while caring for me. I know her well, and I know how much she truly cares for all her patients....thinking of them when they are gone, and always going out of her way to help everyone. So I know that I must be a drain at times, and I'm so grateful that she's always there for me while I go through this special kind of hell.

Anyways...this is to say that I've never actually dreaded going in for dental work.

Not this time. It wasn't the pain I was worried about....I just felt so drained. Exhausted. Tired of this grind. I guess you can say I just wasn't emotionally equipped to handle what was coming.

This visit was to work on the 3rd quadrant teeth (lower left). In order to get at tooth 35, the badly broken premolar, the freezing goes deep into the muscle where your mouth hinges behind your molars. By deep, I mean 2.5 cm (betcha didn't really want to know that, did you?) But, since the 3rd quadrant is on the left side of your face, and that side is the more damaged side (the condyle is totally displaced, not coming together, and outside of the joint), the muscles on that side are terribly seized. She tried twice to inject the freezing, and couldn't get the needle more than 2 mm into my muscle. It was so painful, I thought she had gotten it done.  So she tried freezing the area in a couple of different ways, by injecting into the gum and then into the canals of the tooth once they were drilled.  That worked to a degree, but we didn't get the root canal done before I could feel it again. And I mean FEEL IT. So she temporarily plugged it and we'll give it another go next week.  The rest of the root canals in the region can be frozen by other injection sites, so here's hoping we can get them done!!! Then I'm ready to have the 33 extracted and the braces on. Then, the big wait begins.. for reals.

In the meantime, my mouth is feeling awful again. I've definitely caught a sore throat (talk about the icing on the cake...) and my 3rd quadrant teeth are in pain something fierce. The 33 was really aching after I got the arch bars off, but that went away...and the pain seemed to move to the top fronts. Now that's gone, and it's back to the 33. It kind of feels like the pain migrates around my mouth. I'm sure that's got something to do with all the dental work happening.

My masseter and temporalis muscles (see the photo below) are in agony. Somehow it feels like my head is in a vice right around my temples, and my left TM joint in particular just plain hurts.

I take muscle relaxers at bed to help with the tightness sometimes, and I think tonight's going to be one of those nights.

Tomorrow I'm heading to see my orthodontist. I need a referral to the oral surgeon to remove the 33, and he's going to start the initial braces process. He's also scheduled extra time for me to just talk about what's going to happen, and what his part will be in it all. He's also incredibly compassionate, so I can't wait to get a better feel for what's coming my way orthodontically.  I'll try to update on that soon!