How am I doing?

I asked my hubby if he had read my blog so far, and thankfully he has had the time. He had some feedback for me, which is that I'm doing a pretty solid job of summarizing my learning and the scientific stuff to back it up, but I might be missing another component, which is how am I handling all this? How do I feel about what's happening to me? Fair point.  And the psychological aspect of this huge. 

So how AM I doing??? Good question, friends. Aside from having a baby, this is by far the hardest, most painful and life altering thing that has happened to me. Which perhaps is something to be grateful for. 

I guess I haven't written a whole lot about my state of mind because I'm really not sure about it. I'm definitely different now. It's all I talk about (mostly, though I try not to drone on...) and it's definitely all I think about. When I start to feel bad for myself I tend to wallow in it and then tell myself that it's not so bad and get upset with myself for feeling so much self-pity. Shame spiral! 

Do I feel like this is all super unfair? Yes. Do I feel like people understand what I'm going through? Not completely, but I don't believe you necessarily have to go through some things in life to have true, heartfelt empathy for those who are experiencing it. I feel that by far most of the people in my life get how hard this must be for me and they are trying their best to be there for me. I am so grateful. The people in my life are truly blessings. 

Do I have massive feelings of guilt for putting my husband, mom, family through this? Yes. I also feel terrible that I'm not the mother I want to be for my 3 year old boy. I don't have the energy I did, and I don't have the patience. I hope that this is just a side effect of the pain and that it will pass once the dental work is done and the braces are on and everything has settled in my mouth. It takes about a week for my mouth to recover from the root canals and crowns and I'm not in aching pain constantly. So hopefully this is a temporary thing. 

I guess you could say that my feelings are conflicting and I'm still working through them. I did mention that I'd be reaching out for counselling and I'm happy to say that I've done so. I'll be meeting with a counsellor on Monday for a lengthy assessment and I look forward to accepting whatever help is deemed necessary. I have no issues admitting that I need help to cope with this, and I look forward to updating you all with how it helps me.