My worries

This post is about all the worries that run through my head during my situation, and how I am learning to deal with them. I might note that it took me a few hours to write about my problems, and several days to write the rest of it. This stuff is hard!
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Last week was a breaking point for me. I didn't even realize that it was happening until I found myself saying (out loud) "I don't want to be here anymore". I didn't mean that in the literal sense, but those were the words that came out of my mouth, and I know that what I really meant was that I just wanted to step off this crazy roller coaster ride that this situation has brought to me.  

I felt very much that the perfect storm had converged on my life, but nobody knew it except for me. I don't want to write it all out in detail, and it feels funny putting it into a bullet-point list, but for brevity's sake, I will:

- I was on my 3rd week back at work, and supposed to go from working 4 hour days to 8 hour days
- I was feeling exhausted from just getting up to go to work for the past 2 weeks
- I had a braces wire change that caused a lot of tooth pain (in one tooth, the pain extended into my sinuses)
- My teeth moved after the wire change, causing my jaw to reposition
- The jaw repositioning caused a lot of jaw pain to come back, and the muscles in my head to seize up again
- I learned that the tooth beside my extraction/bone graft site might not be able to stay in due to bone loss (the tooth is otherwise healthy and wasn't on the 'list' of ones to worry about)
- The insurance company processed my dental claims so far, and either messed up or purposely denied paying half of them.
- And finally....all that was going on with my head (physically and mentally) was unseen by everyone around me, so they all thought I was doing fine. I did NOT want to put my hand up and tell everyone that I was sinking.

...Except, that's exactly what I had to do.  The night I found out about the tooth, I think I hit my breaking point. I was just done. Done with it all. This road has been long and hard, and I have been handling it pretty well, but I just want it to be over. And it's so so so far from over.

I say that it was a breaking point for me because I truly felt that I couldn't continue even going to work, and emotionally I felt completely depleted.  I really had nothing left to give, and it felt terrible.

So, what am I going to do about it?  Well for starters I made sure to visit my counselor/therapist for our scheduled meeting. Here I was able to lay it all out with pure honesty, because I didn't have to worry about upsetting her by being honest. And also because I don't have to feel guilty for talking about myself...she's paid to listen. That helps too.

There were a lot of things we discussed, but she made a few suggestions that really hit home with me. First, she suggested I try a specialized form of therapy that helps you deal with trauma, specifically letting it go so that it doesn't continue to affect your life on a daily basis. I'm super interested in that! I'm sick of thinking about my injury and reliving the moment that it happened.  If you've ever had a traumatic event happen to you, you know what I mean. If you haven't, you probably think I'm crazy and should 'just don't think about it'. Hopefully you're being open-minded with me here.

Another thing we talked about is that this whole situation is starting to become most of who I am, and is beginning to 'define me', if you will.  This goes along with the whole letting go of the trauma bit, but goes further to try and let go of what's happening to me. I'm fully on board with this.  I wanted to return to work to move on in my life, gain some perspective and introduce more areas of focus in my life. It hasn't worked thus far, but I hope I'm on the other side of that with better pain-management strategies (to remind you, I refuse to take any medication stronger than Tylenol and the occasional Robax for now).

So the thing I'm working on now is to gather up all of my worries and concerns, package them into a nice little bubble*, and blow them away (*Friends reference....I am not losing it!)  I need to acknowledge that I might lose a bunch of my teeth, accept it and be grateful for what I end up keeping.  I might not know for sure what surgery is right for me, but I need to trust that I've sought out enough expertise that I'm making the best decision I can, and move on from it.

I think this 'letting go' is going to be critically important to me over the next several months and maybe even years. I can't continue to let the doubt and worry consume my thoughts on a weekly or even daily basis. I can't live my life fully if I am paralyzed with fear.  And so I'm going to make the choice every day to trust my future to whatever it is that is leading me...be it God, fate or chance.